1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards:  NAIVE *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 3.  OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 4.  If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 5.  There are three religious truths: a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian  faith. c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or  at  Hooters. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 6.   If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people  from Holland called Holes? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 7.   Do infants fear infancy as much as adults fear adultery? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 8.   If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 9.   Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they  just stale bread to begin with? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 10.  Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 12.  If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it  follow  that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted,cowboys  deranged,   models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 13.  If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed  UP? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*   14.  Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 15.  What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of  bald  men? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 16.  I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me ....they're cramming for their final exam. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 17. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny  little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? toothpicks? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 18.  Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post  Office? What  are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 19.  If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 20.  You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 21.  Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 22.  If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 23.  Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?   GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED: >1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.  >2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair. >3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the  second person. >4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato. >5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food. >6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. >7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time. >8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. >9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. >10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap. > >GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED: >1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree. >2) Wrinkles don't hurt. >3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts. >4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground. >5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.  >6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.   >GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD >1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional. >2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get. >3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there. >4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster. >5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions. >6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician. >7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.   >THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:  >1)  You believe in Santa Claus.  >2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.  >3)  You are Santa Claus. >4) You look like Santa Claus. > >SUCCESS: >At age  4  success is . . . not peeing in your pants. >At age 12 success is . . . having friends. >At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license. >At age 20 success is . . . having a girlfriend that thinks you a really good looking >At age 35 success is . . . having money. >At age 50 success is . . . having money. >At age 60 success is . . . having a girlfriend that thinks you are really good looking >At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license. >At age 75 success is . . . having friends.  >At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants. ***************************************************************************************************************** There's nothing worse than a snotty doctor's receptionist who insists  you tell her what is wrong in a room full of other  patients.  I know most of us have experienced this.  You got  to love the way this old guy handled it. An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's  office.  As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir,  what are you seeing the doctor for today?" "There's something wrong with my  penis," he  replied. he receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come  into a crowded office and say things like that." "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.  The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear  or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor  in private. "The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full  of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone." The man walked out, waited several minutes and then  re-entered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?" "There's something wrong with my ear," he stated. The  receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.  "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?" "I can't urinate out of it," the man replied. The doctor's office erupted in laughter.   >THE MIDDLE WIFE > > > >The Middle Wife By an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher >I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but >the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade >classroom a few years back. > >When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions >with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell >is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes pictures of fish >they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or >limitations on them. If they want to lug it to school and talk about it, >they're welcome. >One day, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and >waddles >up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She >holds up a snapshot of an infant. "This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm >going to tell you about his birthday. > >"First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a >seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months >through an umbrella cord." She's standing there with her hands on the >pillow > and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The >kids are watching her in amazement. > >"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, oh, >oh! >. Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked around the >house >for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh! " > >Now the kid's doing this hysterical duck walk, holding her back and >groaning > "My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have >a >sign on the car like the Domino's man." >They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this." Then Erica lies down with >her >back against the wall. "And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she >kept >in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over >the bed, like psshhheew!" This kid has her legs spread and with her little >hands are miming water flowing away. It was too much! >"Then the middle wife starts saying 'Push, push, and breathe, breathe.' >They >started counting, but never even got past ten." Then, all of a sudden, out >comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff they all said was from >Mom's >play-center! , so there must be a lot of stuff inside there." > >Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. >I'm >sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, if it's show-and-tell day, I >bring my camcorder, just in case another Erica comes along. >You have two choices...laugh and close this page or pass this along to >someone else to spread the laughs. I know what I did!! > YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY Got a good one?  Send it to us!   sdiering@gmail.com Two retired Floridians, Jacob, age 92, and Harriet, age 89,   are all excited about their decision to get married. They   go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they   pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.   Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the   owner?"   The pharmacist answers "Yes".   Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart   medication?"   Pharmacist: "Of course we do."   Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"   Pharmacist: "All kinds."   Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? "   Pharmacist: "Definitely."   Jacob: "How about Viagra?"   Pharmacist: "Of course."   Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"   Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."   Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol,   antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"   Pharmacist: "Absolutely."   Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"   Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."   Jacob says to the pharmacist: "We'd like to use this store   as our Bridal Registry.   YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY A couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting when one of them suddenly grabs his chest and falls to the ground.  He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.  He gasps to the operator, "I think Bubba is dead!  What should I do?"   The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions.  First, let's make sure he's dead."   There is a silence... and then a shot is heard.   A moment later, the guy's voice comes back on the line, "Okay, now what?"   YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY >> > > > >> > > > A nurse walks into a bank, preparing to endorse a >> > > > check. She reaches in her pocket and pulls out a >> > > > rectal thermometer and tries to write with it. She >> > > > looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then >> > > > realizing her mistake, she says, "Well that's >> > > > great......just great.....Some a--hole's got my >> > > > pen." >> > > >YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY >> > > > Reporters interviewing a 104 year-old woman: >> > > > "And what do you think is the best thing about >> > > > being 104?" the reporter asked. >> > > > She simply replied, "No peer pressure." >> > > >YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY >> > > > The nice thing about being senile is you can hide >> > > > your own Easter eggs. >> > > >YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY >> > > > Just before the funeral services, the undertaker >> > > > came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How >> > > > old was your husband?" >> > > > "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." >> > > > "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She >> > > > responded, "Hardly worth going home is it?" >> > > >YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY >> > > > I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 By-pass >> > > > surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees. Fought >> > > > prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, >> > > > can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, >> > > > I take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, >> > > > winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with >> > > > dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my >> > > > hands and fee t anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 >> > > > or 92. Have lost all my friends. But.....Thank >> > > > God, I still have my Florida driver's license! >> > > > YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY >> > > > A 97 year old man goes into his doctor's office >> > > > and says, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered." >> > > > "Sir", replied the doctor, "You're 97. Don't you >> > > > think your sex drive is all in your head?" >> > > > "You're damned right it is!" replied the old man. >> > > > "That's why I want it lowered!"     Jim was an old man. He was sick and in the hospital. There was one young nurse that just drove him crazy. Every time she came in, she would talk to him like he was a little child. She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, "And how are we doing this morning, or are we ready for a bath, or are we hungry?" Old Jim had had enough of this particular nurse. One day, Old Jim had breakfast, pulled the juice off the tray, and put it on his bed side stand. He had been given a urine bottle to fill for testing. The juice was apple juice. So .. you know where the juice went! The nurse came in a little later, picked up the urine bottle and looked at it. "My, but it seems we are a little cloudy today ." At this, Old Jim snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and drank it down, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time." The nurse fainted! . . Old Jim just smiled!       A man goes to his doctor and says, "I don't think my wife's hearing is as good as it used to be. What should I do?" The doctor replies, "Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand 15 feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn't respond keep moving closer and asking the question until she hears you." The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands 15 feet behind her and says, "What's for dinner, honey?" He gets no response, so he moves to 10 feet behind her and asks again. Still no response, so he moves to five feet--still no answer. Finally he stands directly behind her and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" She replies, "For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!" A List of Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery: Oops! Has anyone seen my watch? Come back with that! Bad Dog! Wait a minute. If this is his spleen, then what's that? Hand me that ... uh ... that uh ... thingy There go the lights again ... Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens! Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us. What do you mean, he's not insured? FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out! A man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me." "Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy." "OK," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife." Three elderly men are at the doctor's office for a memory test. The doctor asks the first man, "What is three times three?" "274" is his reply. The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling and says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?" "Tuesday," replies the second man. The doctor shakes his head sadly then asks the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?" "Nine," says the third man. "That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that?" "Simple," he says, "just subtract 274 from Tuesday." A woman went for her medical exam. After about 15 minutes with one of the new doctors, she went screaming down the hall. Another doctor stopped and asked her what the problem was and she explained. The second doctor went back to the first and said, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old. She has four grown children and seven grandchildren and you told her she was pregnant?" The new doctor simply smiled and said, "Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"